“Never, under any circumstances, let the Virginian wolfsnake near a typewriter.”

“Bad circumstances have a way of ruining things that would otherwise be pleasant.”

“Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it would be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your house, and eat it.”

“There is no way of knowing for sure whether or not you can trust someone, for the simple reason that circumstances change all of the time.”

“...you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.”

“It is true, of course, that there is no way of knowing for sure whether or not you can trust someone, for the simple reason that circumstances change all of the time. You might know someone for several years, for instance, and trust him completely as your friend, but circumstances could change and he could become very hungry, and before you knew it you could be boiling in a soup pot, because there is no way of knowing for sure.”

“Count Olaf certainly does sound evil. Imagine forcing children to stand near a stove!”