“Guys warning girls not to fall in love with them is so truly douchey that it should have a higher success rate.”

“Rich, you don't need to fight it. I'm not like, trying to frame you. I am letting you know that it is OK for you to act on this fantasy, because I am gross and so are you.”

“Okay, 'Best Party Ever' -- to me, that's like saying 'Best Gym Ever' or 'Best Nature Documentary Ever,' like how good can it really be?”

“I just don't want to be around people who don't hate everything in their life right now.”

“Enjoy going through life as yourself.”

“Jeff-did you guys have a good day?Jose-no Jeff-whyJose-he got my stick jammed in the car doorJeff-what?did you say sorryJose- noJeff- why didn't you say sorryJose- cause he couldn't breathJeff-why couldn't he breathJose- cause he was laughing to hard”

“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?Peanut: Yes we had a great day!Jose: No we did not.Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: No we did not have a good day.Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!What?Jeff: Did you have a good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: A good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.Peanut: I took him to the spa!Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”