“I just don't want to be around people who don't hate everything in their life right now.”

“Rich, you don't need to fight it. I'm not like, trying to frame you. I am letting you know that it is OK for you to act on this fantasy, because I am gross and so are you.”

“Enjoy going through life as yourself.”

“Guys warning girls not to fall in love with them is so truly douchey that it should have a higher success rate.”

“Okay, 'Best Party Ever' -- to me, that's like saying 'Best Gym Ever' or 'Best Nature Documentary Ever,' like how good can it really be?”

“I used to want the words "She tried" on my tombstone. Now I want "She did it." ”

“Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go?Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought I was an ass. And i was paying both of 'um.”