“Today a pitcher gets fined if the umpire thinks he threw at a batter. In the olden days, the umpire didn't have to take any courses in mind reading. The pitcher told you he was going to throw at you.”

“I've never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.”

“Kid, show me a man who doesn't go down on his wife and I'll show you a man whose wife I can sleep with, tonight.”

“Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand.”

“Branch Rickey once said of me that I was a man with an infinite capacity for immediately making a bad thing worse.”

“Formerly, when I was told to consider him wise, I kept trying to, and thought I was stupid myself because I was unable to perceive his wisdom; but as soon as I said to myself, he's stupid (only in a whisper of course), it all became quite clear!  Don't you think so?' 'How malicious you are to-day!''Not at all.  I have no choice.  One of us is stupid, and you know it's impossible to say so of oneself.”

“When the examination was over, the doctor looked at his watch, and then Praskovya Fyodorovna informed Ivan Ilyich that it must of course be as he liked, but she had sent today for a celebrated doctor, and that he would examine him, and have a consultation with Mihail Danilovich (that was the name of his regular doctor). 'Don't oppose it now, please. This I'm doing entirely for my own sake,' she said ironically, meaning it to be understood that she was doing it all for his sake, and was only saying this to give him no right to refuse her request. He lay silent, knitting his brows. He felt that he was hemmed in by such a tangle of falsity that it was hard to disentangle anything from it. Everything she did for him was entirely for her own sake, and she told him she was doing for her own sake what she actually was doing for her own sake as something so incredible that he would take it as meaning the opposite.”