“I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I've been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, 'Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.”

“I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”

“When my love comes back from the ladies' room, will I be too old to care?”

“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”

“The change which the writing wrought in me (and of which I did not write) was only a beginning; only to prepare me for the gods' surgery. They used my own pen to probe my wound. ”

“Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”