“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”

“Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”

“Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”

“I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I've been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, 'Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.”

“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.”

“When my love comes back from the ladies' room, will I be too old to care?”