“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”

“Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”

“Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”

“I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“When my love comes back from the ladies' room, will I be too old to care?”

“I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I've been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, 'Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.”

“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.”