“He’s sitting casually at my kitchen table peeling the skin off an applewith a pocket knife, a red apple that he has quite obviously appropriated from my fruit bowl, might I add.”

“You have sex on the brain twenty-four seven Viv. I think you might need therapy.""Perhaps I do. Don't get me wrong I'm no Russell Brand, but I do have quite an avid interest in shagging.”

“If I was into girls, I'd do you,” I tell him honestly. He leans forward conspiratorially. ”Psst, I'll let you in on a secret Fred,” he glances sheepishly from side to side. ”I actually have a cock. Don't tell anyone, it would ruin my reputation. But feel free to do me any time you want.”

“Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. Inreality, he’d have to kill me.”

“You need a job and I need a PA, why don’t you come and work for me?”“No thanks, God knows what being your PA would involve.”He laughs. “Well it would involve the usual, faxing, filing, answering the phones, takingbookings, relieving my sexual needs, etcetera.”“Yeah I thought as much.” I tell him, my tone doing all the rejecting for me.“Seriously though, the offer stands. Think it over.” He tells me in a soft voice.“I don’t have PA experience.”“I’ll teach you,” he says, in a tone that insinuates other things.“Sure.”He lowers his voice. “I think I’d enjoy teaching you things.”“Can’t say I w-would enjoy it.” Yeah, right.“You stuttered,” he says”

“You know,” he says, voice still low.“I have had nothing but trouble since you walked into my life.” “I’d walk straight back out of it if only you’d let me.”

“You'll always be my friend, won't you Fred? Don't let me fuck this up. I need you in my life now. I need the golden eyed girl who can make me smile.”