“You've got a wonderful way with words, disgusting but wonderful.”

“I want to ruin you Freda, in the best way possible.”

“Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. Inreality, he’d have to kill me.”

“If I was into girls, I'd do you,” I tell him honestly. He leans forward conspiratorially. ”Psst, I'll let you in on a secret Fred,” he glances sheepishly from side to side. ”I actually have a cock. Don't tell anyone, it would ruin my reputation. But feel free to do me any time you want.”

“I might not have a boyfriend, but I have cupcakes, an those tasty bastards haven't let me down yet.”

“You have sex on the brain twenty-four seven Viv. I think you might need therapy.""Perhaps I do. Don't get me wrong I'm no Russell Brand, but I do have quite an avid interest in shagging.”

“No need to worry. The closest I've ever come to an STD was a kidney infection. I always put a raincoat on the little fella before heading into a storm.”