“Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches.”

“I can’t imagine it now, but I must’ve been innocent at some time in my life. A baby don’t just get itself born bad, do it?”

“just remember: i love you, and love yourselves. 'cause, little monsters, you were born that way baby.”

“Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with somebody I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: 'I'll go take a hot bath.”

“Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.”

“Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.”