“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”

“The road to success is always under construction”

“The best mind altering drug is the truth.”

“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

“Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. ”