“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”

“We’re all in this together alone.”

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”

“I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.”

“So if you've had a good time tonight, or if you've had a good time any night, for gosh sake's why not drop a dollar in the mail to me?”

“I said "Somebody should do something about that." Then I realized I am somebody.”

“Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.”