“I waved down a lit cab. He swerved dramatically towards me and stopped inches from my Louboutins. Shoe-icide, a fate worse than death”

“I am not a fate worse than death, dammit!”

“I often took him as one of God's little jokes on me. When I was in desperate trouble, what saved me from a fate worse than death? To what do I owe my life? Was it love, affection, understanding, friends, wisdom? No no no. It was a man who looks like a poor copy of Walt Disney, drives pink Cadillacs, wears baby-blue alligator shoes, and appears to have the emotional depth of a slightly retarded potato.”

“I have a special pair of poop shoes under my desk. Whenever I need to drop a deuce, I slip them on and scurry to the restroom, and no one ever knows it's me. Like, if I'm wearing Louboutins that day, and my producer sees Earth shoes in the stall....well, you get the idea. It was truly a lightbulb moment when that came to me.”

“Drained of faith, I kneel and hail thee as my Lord,I ask not life, thou need not swerve the bullet,I ask but strength to ride the wave, andone more thing, teach me to hate”

“If ever I was in a plane that was going down, rather than screaming, crying and railing against the inevitable, I would look out the window, watch my death speeding toward me, and fully appreciate the final experience of my life.”