“First of all, there is no need to patronize me by implying that I'm Helen of Troy when it's clear that I'm no beauty.”

“Offering to help me implies I'm in distress. I'm not currently.”

“Enough wars have been started over this face. My face. My curse—and my mother’s curse, and her mother’s curse, and so on all the way back to the first woman to ever wear this face. Helen of Troy.”

“I'm clear with all my bitches...I hump her till she bites me. Then it's adios bitches, time for BALL.”

“I need to be casual but not too casual. Dressy but not too dressy. I need him to think I just threw on the first thing I found and that I'm not taking this too seriously or overthinking it or even that I was thinking about it at all. Because I'm not. I'm totally not thinking about him, and I don't want him to think I was thinking about him, but I don't want him to think that I'm not thinking about him, because clearly he thought about me enough to ask me out and it would be mean not to be thinking about him at all, so I need just the right amount of thinking, and I'm not sure if that means boots and a skirt or skinny jeans and ballet flats. Help!”

“Helen, thy beauty is to me”