“So, you're telling me the zoo commissioned you to make a zombie panda in order to avoid a potential international incident.”

“Her lips remind me of kite strings and I find myself thinking about panda bears. Panda bears do not fly kites, I tell myself. 'I thought you were dead,' she says.Maybe if you taped a kite to a panda paw and scared the panda so that it started running, the kite might start to lift off.”

“I tell my parents I'm going out for pudding. They think this might be a nickname for heroin.Mum makes the international face for 'is there anything you want to tell me?' ”

“One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.”Kung Fu Panda”

“But avoidance allows you to believe that you're making all kinds of strides when you're not.”

“A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air."Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife annual and tosses it over his shoulder."I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.”