“Pirates?' Lara gasped. 'But we're not at sea. How can they be pirates?' Weren't pirates supposed to wear eye-patches, feather earrings and lots of black eye-liner, and say 'arrrrr' a lot? Or was that just Johnny Depp? Lara was confused.”

“Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They're like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous--- and cool like Johnny Depp.”

“How did you come to be a pirate?”“I was aboard a pirate ship.”She rolled her eyes at him. “How did you come to be aboard a pirate ship?”

“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.”

“There is no shortage of well-known pirates, including: Henry Morgan, Captain Kidd, Blackbeard, Blue beard, Yellowbeard, and Yellow beard with Black Roots, who surmised that, if blondes have more fun, then blond pirates must have a heck of a lot more fun.”