“I don't want to be rude to the afflicted but Uncle Eddie is bald in a way which is the baldest I have ever seen.”

“When uncle Eddie does his impression of 'Like a Virgin' it's like Madonna is coming out of his body!'Christ what an image.”

“Mum said, "It is the thought that counts."And I said, "I know, which is why I am ringing the authorities right now. Anyone who thinks like she does should be locked up out of harm's way.”

“You wouldn't say ' You've got the crappest eyes I've ever seen. Your eyes make me physically sick.”

“Oh dear. I have just seen Angus hunkering down in the long grass. He's stalking their poodle. I'll have to intervene to avert a massacre. Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Next Door has thrown a brick at him.”

“I said, "Do you think she thinks it's me?"Jas said, "Well, it's pretty conclusive, isn't it? She said 'the most sniveling idiot I have ever come across.'"I said, "I didn't know that YOU have been seeing Masimo. Tom the Slug King is going to be very upset.”

“BiologyThe film turns out to be about bees. It is a film about a bee center. How crap is this going to be? An hour laterThat was the best thing I have seen for ages. We made Miss Wilson rewind the bit where the two queens were having a bitch fight.”