“I've never had anyone say they love me before. Libby lobes me, that is true, but there is something a bit menacing about the way she says it.”

“Gingee, Gingee, it's meeeeeeeeeeee!!!'I could hear her panting up the stairs to my room. She kicked open my bedroom door and ran from the door and leapt onto the bed, covering me with kisses.'I LOBE you, my big big sister.'I couldn't get her off me.'Libby, just let me...''Kissy kissy kiss, snoggy snog.''That's enough, now let me...''Mmmmmm, groovy baby.'What is she talking about? She is supposed to be in kindergarten to learn how to grow up, not turn into an even madder person. Then she stood up on the bed and starting thrusting her hips out and singing her favorite:'Sex bum sex bum I am a sex bum.'Quite spectacularly mad.”

“You wouldn't say ' You've got the crappest eyes I've ever seen. Your eyes make me physically sick.”

“He says we should take it easy and that maybe he overreacted a bit."Dave said, "A bit? That's like Hitler saying, 'Oooh, I just meant to go for a little walk, but then I accidentally invaded Poland.”

“Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.”

“Heathcliff. The "hero" of Wuthering Heights. Although no one knows why.He's mean, moody, and possibly a bit on the pongy side. Cathy loves him, though. She shows this by viciously rejecting him and marrying someone else for a laugh. Still, that is true love on the moors for you.”

“When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived.”