“When uncle Eddie does his impression of 'Like a Virgin' it's like Madonna is coming out of his body!'Christ what an image.”

“I don't want to be rude to the afflicted but Uncle Eddie is bald in a way which is the baldest I have ever seen.”

“Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.”

“Mum said, "It is the thought that counts."And I said, "I know, which is why I am ringing the authorities right now. Anyone who thinks like she does should be locked up out of harm's way.”

“As we drew near to the gates of Dother Hall the old bell in the belfry rang out. I said, 'I must go in, it's nigh on ten of the clock.' He half-turned away from me, his jacket collar hiding his expression. Was he angry? Disappointed?"Jo looked intently and I said, "Hungry?"Jo ignored me, but as she passed by acting out walking away from Phil, she allowed her hand to slap against my head.”

“There he is, tall, tanned, Italian, sophisticated. So what do you do?"I said, "Er, leap on him and snog him within an inch of his life? Taking care not to strangle myself on his false beard, or disturb his banana.”

“What is that song they are singing Is it an old Yorkshire ditty you know like that 'On Ilkley Moor Bar T'at' " Ruby said "Nah it's a football song. It goes 'We hate Chelsea we hate Chelsea we are the Chelsea haters.”