“You sure? Because I specialize in deassholization." This time she smiles. Deassholization?" "Yeah. Just think of me as the Orkin man of assholes--putting assholes in their place.”

“Looks like he recovered from the wood chipper pretty well. Want me to kick his ass?”“No, I don’t want you to kick his ass.”“You sure? Because I specialize in deassholization.”This time she smiles. “Deassholization?”“Yeah. Just think of me as the Orkin man of assholes—utting assholes in their place.”“Well, I appreciate the offer, but he’s not worth it.”I reach forward to tuck a stray lock of raven hair behind her ear. “If he hurt you, he’s worth it.”

“How did you get my number anyway?”“Some asshole named Nash.”“Asshole?”“Yeah, asshole. Don’t tell me you don’t think he’s an asshole!”I laugh uncomfortably. “Um, no I don’t think he’s an asshole. He’s always been nice to me.”asshole. He’s always been nice to me.”“Of course he has. You’re gorgeous. What man wouldn’t be nice to you?”“Plenty.”“Assholes, all of them,” he teases.“They’re assholes, too?”“Yep.”“Is everyone an asshole today?”“Yep,” he repeats. “Word of the day toilet paper.”I laugh, genuinely this time. “Is that right?”

“↑ top up position downThe fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one.”

“I know that asshole you were with in college --”“Can we leave that asshole out of it?”Please, gentlemen, one asshole at a time.”

“Why don't I like you?""Because you think I'm an asshole, and I'm not really, I'm just British and, well, you're not.”