“Well, speaking as a feminist, I'm glad that women can lead--uh,groups of unspeakable magical evil.”

“Well, speaking as a feminist, I'm glad that women can lead--uh, groups of unspeakable magical evil.""Yes," Alan said gravely. "It'd be shoking if the evil magicians were sexist. For one thing, that would mean they were stupid, and having stupid enemies would be a terrible blow to my manly pride.”

“These kids are all trying so hard to be weird. I'm genuinely weird, so I can spot the effort a mile away.”

“Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.”

“A dam doesn't try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I'm doing much the same thing. I'm not trying to necessarily reason with them, just hold them still for a short while.”

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

“Any actress who appears in public without being well-groomed is digging her own grave.”