“Mom, you're the one who said to never stop in case I get raped or picked up by a democrat.”

“Might not hurt you to pick up a book, just as an experiment."Whatever. I looked up the definition for 'nerd' in the dictionary. Know what it said?""I bet you'll tell me."" 'If you're reading this, you are one.' "You're a riot.”

“Mom, is the world coming to an end?" Jonny asked, picking up the plate of cookies and ramming one into his mouth."No, it isn'T," Mom said, folding her lawn chair and carrying it to the front of the house. "And yes, you do have to go to school tomorrow.”

“A little girl came home from school with a drawing she'd made in class.She danced into the kitchen ,where her mother was preparing dinner."Mom,guess what ?" she squealed waving the drawing .her mother never looked up."what"? she said ,tending to the pots."guess what?" the child repeated ,waving the drawings."what?" the mother said , tending to the plates."Mom, you're not listening""sweetie,yes I am""Mom" the child said "you're not listening with your EYES”

“Yes you're getting your tattoo." I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!" "Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker." "I never said that," Dad said. "No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys”

“When i was a kid, my mom said that everyone gets one miracle. She said the trick is recognizing yourmiraclefroma distance, so you're ready when it arrives. I'm watching. I'm waiting.I'm ready for my miracle”