“No, you have to talk first. You wanted to talk. It means you say something and I respond and you talk back again. It's one of the human race's most shining achievements. It's called a conversation.”

“It's all you think about, all you talk about, and all you want us to talk about. What in the world would we call something like that? Oh, yeah! An obsession!”

“WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham .com ”

“Most people talk when they have nothing to say. I’m not talking because I have too much to say. None of which I’d want you to hear.”

“You talked to me, but you didn’t. I could see you having these two-sided conversations. The things you wanted to say to me. And the words that actually came out.”

“If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.”