“It is my honour to act as your ceiling”

“Hen nights should be banned. You're honour-bound to behave atrociously, then feel terribly ashamed afterwards.(This Charming Man)”

“Are you close to your family?'I considered it. 'Close' was one way of putting it. 'We're close,' I said cautiously. 'But we're very mean to each other. This morning I told my mum that if she didn't stop acting old I was going to lobby for a law on euthanasia, so a bus would come round every Monday morning and take away all the old people who complained that they couldn't hear the telly or see the buttons on their mobile phone or that they had a pain in their hip, and put a bullet in their heads. But we're close.”

“I suppose I wanted to have my cake and eat it.But then again, what were you going to do with your cake if not eat it?Frame it?Use it as a sachet in your underwear drawer?”

“People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short time and then they sack me. A film broker once told me, as she terminated my contract, that I have a misleading sort of face. "You're pretty", she complained. "Your features are symmetrical and there was an article in Grazia that says human beings are programmed to find those with symmetrical features more pleasing to they eye. So this isn't my fault, I was simply responding to a biological imperative. You've even teeth, so when you smile, you look...sweet, I suppose. But you're not, are you?""I hope not," I said."You see, there you go again. You're a smart-arse and you've no ability to filter your thoughts---""And my thoughts are often abrasive.""Exactly.""I'll just get my brushes and sponges and leave.""If you would.”

“It was only when the salt water of my tears ran into my cuts and made them stingthat I discovered I was crying.”

“How to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.”