“If you intend to create something that people will observe and listen to, you've got to listen to them first.”

“People are too lazy and too stupid to think for themselves that we've got sitcoms with canned laughter that let's you know when to laugh if you're to stupid to know when the joke is.”

“Not only are love and hate such closely related emotions, but it's a lot easier to hate someone you've cared about than someone you never have.”

“If you want to find out who your real friends are, sink the ship. The first ones to jump aren't your friends.”

“There's nothing like the feeling of knowing that you've made a difference in someone's life, even if that difference is a lifetime of nightmares and a fortune in therapy bills.”

“The burden of originality is one that most people don't want to accept. They'd rather sit in front of the TV and let that tell them what they're supposed to like, what they're supposed to buy, and what they're supposed to laugh at.”

“You should have to pass an IQ test before you breed. You have to take a driving test to operate vehicles and an SAT test to get into college. So why don’t you have to take some sort of test before you give birth to children? When I am President, that’s the first rule I will institute.”