“Do not bring your dog. (advice for attending a funeral)”

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy - if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places.”

“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. ”

“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”

“I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.”

“A dog is der Hund the dog; a women is die Frau the wom[an]; a horse is das Pferd, the horse; now you put that dog in the Genitive case, & is he the same dog he was before? No sir; he is das Hundes; put him in the Dative case & what is he? Why, he is dem Hund. Now you snatch him into the accusative case & how is it with him? Why he is den Hunden? ... Read moreBut suppose he happens to be twins & you have to pluralize him – what then? Why sir they’ll swap that twin dog around thro’ the four cases till he’ll think he’s an entire International Dog Show all in his own person. I don’t like dogs, but I wouldn’t treat a dog like that. I wouldn’t even treat a borrowed dog that way.”