“I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.”

“It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”

“I am willing to be a literary thief if it has so been ordained; I am even willing to be caught robbing the ancient dead alongside of Hopkinson Smith, for he is my friend and a good fellow, and I think would be as honest as any one if he could do it without occasioning remark; but I am not willing to antedate his crimes by fifteen hundred years. I must ask you to knock off part of that.”

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.”

“You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool.”

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.”

“Are you an American? No, I am not an American. I am the American.”