“I think the Cincinnati Enquirer must be edited by children.”

“When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Cincinnati because it's always 20 years behind the times.”

“The proverb says that Providence protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know because I have tested it.”

“Now, children, I want you all to sit up just as straight and pretty as you can and give me all your attention for a minute or two. There - that is it. That is the way good little boys and girls should do. I see one little girl who is looking out of the window - I am afraid she thinks I am out there somewhere - perhaps up in one of the trees making a speech to the little birds. [Applausive titter.]”

“I like criticism, but it must be my way.”

“Familiarity breeds contempt and children.”

“Thou shalt not commit adultry is a command which makes no distinction between the following persons. They are all required to obey it: children at birth. Children in the cradle. School children. Youths and maidens. Fresh adults. Older ones. Men and women of 40. Of 50. Of 60. Of 70. Of 80. Of 100. The command does not distribute its burden equally, and cannot. It is not hard upon the three sets of children.”