“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.”

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.”

“I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.”

“I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet.”

“I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.”

“I never let school get in the way of my education!”

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.”