“What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.”

“I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.”

“I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. I believe that whenever a human being, of even the highest intelligence and culture, delivers an opinion upon a matter apart from his particular and especial line of interest, training and experience, it will always be an opinion of so foolish and so valueless a sort that it can be depended upon to suggest our Heavenly Father that the human being is another disappointment and that he is no considerable improvement upon the monkey.”

“In discarding the monkey and substituting man, our Father in Heaven did the monkey an undeserved injustice.”

“A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment, anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.”

“Man never creates, he only recombines the lines and colors of his own existance.”

“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.”