“Hell couldn't be worse than a WalMart after midnight, right?”

“I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did.”

“She couldn't tell where his pupils ended and the irises began; looking into those eyes was like looking into a well where children had drowned.”

“Look, nobody's trying to kill me right now and that's just fine. If they don'tlike me, that's just how it goes. I got over needing people to LIKE me in tenthgrade, when I spied the captain of the cheerleading squad on her knees infront of the offensive line of the football team under the bleachers, one day after school. I figured that wasn't the life for me.”

“There's more than one way for a girl to Google a cat.”

“Honestly. Do guys really think that will fool us? 'Whoa, hi there, John. Gosh, for a second there I thought you were going bald, but I see now that you have a full, lush head of hair. Which grows sideways from left to right in sticky strands. Have I ever been this sexually excited? I think not.”

“I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?”