“Interesting shade #23 Lush Golden Blonde highlights. Heyyyyyy.... The woman in the awful suit was me! The woman in the cheap shoes was me!”

“I zoomed in on the shoe department like a blonde homing pigeon. Shoes, shoes everywhere! Ah, sweet shoes. I truly think you can take the measure of a civilization by looking at its footwear.”

“I slipped one of the shoes off, looked at the inside. Property of Antonia O'Neill Taylor. I knew it. My stepmother! The bitch meant to bury me wearing her cast off shoes!”

“I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did.”

“Honestly. Do guys really think that will fool us? 'Whoa, hi there, John. Gosh, for a second there I thought you were going bald, but I see now that you have a full, lush head of hair. Which grows sideways from left to right in sticky strands. Have I ever been this sexually excited? I think not.”

“Can you burn me up with holy water? Poke me to death with your crucifix? Pelt me with communion wafers?”

“Look, nobody's trying to kill me right now and that's just fine. If they don'tlike me, that's just how it goes. I got over needing people to LIKE me in tenthgrade, when I spied the captain of the cheerleading squad on her knees infront of the offensive line of the football team under the bleachers, one day after school. I figured that wasn't the life for me.”