“If you don't like the smell of Christmas trees, get the hula girls; they smell like coconuts.”

“Some people talk like a fish with a paper asshole; whatever they say just doesn't hold water.”

“You don't know what a bad day is until you wake up after a three-day drunk and find out a trap spider built its nest in your asshole.”

“Dan, rabbits who've been fed oysters laced with Viagra don't like sex as much as you do.”

“Be proud to act like a normal human being. Keep daylight hours, get a regular job, and mix in the company of people with a fixed sense of right and wrong.”

“You toyed with my heart, like it was a toy heart. (Lisa Simpson)”

“Get off my bed before you make it smell like girl germs.”