“If my penis were a writer/director, it would be Woody Allen - small, neurotic, and, frankly, hit or miss.”

“If Woody Allen were a Muslim, he'd be dead by now.”

“I'd saw there were millions like me, but there aren't, really: lots of blokes have impeccable music taste but don't read, lots of blokes read but are really fat, lots of blokes are sympathetic to feminism but have stupid beards, lots of blokes have a Woody Allen sense of humor but look like Woody Allen.”

“...I might mention my belief that girls who like Woody Allen movies are nicer girls than girls who don't...”

“-Ojalá sea así... Y que todo eso suceda gracias a un tío estupendo de sonrisa arrebatadora y un cuerpo que quite el hipo, en fin, una mezcla entre Clive Owen, Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Ashton Kutcher y Woody Allen...-¿Woody Allen? ¿Y qué tiene que ver Woody Allen?-¡Bueno, no me negarás que si, después de un buen polvo, el tipo incluso te hace reír, es que has llegado al cielo!”

“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.”