“You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.”

“You know the one about the old man whose grandson is getting married? Just before the wedding, he calls the boy in for a chat. “My child,” he says, “I want you to know that all marriages go through phases. At first, you and you wife will make love all the time. But then, as the children come along, you will find that you are having sex less and less. And by the time they are grown and gone, you’ll be just like your grandmother and me. All you’ll ever have is oral sex. I just wanted you to know how things will go.” The boy looks at him, incredulous. “You and Grandma have oral sex?” “Every single night,” the old man says, “and it’s a perfectly natural thing. She goes into her bedroom and calls, ‘Fuck you!’ And I go into my bedroom and call back to her, ‘No, fuck you!”

“It was informational. About how to perform oral sex on men. You know, one man teaching another. It was really fascinating and I’ve always wondered about the techniques he discussed—ow. Ow! You’re squeezing a little hard, Van Holtz.”. . .“Well, if you’re willing to be my test subject—ack!”

“A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.”

“Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself.”

“The worst thing that colonialism did was to cloud our view of our past.”