“argued for an hour on the telephone. now looking at pictures of carbs”

“Feel completely unable to do anything. Try to picture your life in five years. It really seems like you will be dead.”

“A 5’5”, 182-pound, 43-year-old man wearing khaki shorts and a UCLA sweatshirt runs to Nicolas Cage in a manner he will spend the rest of the night describing to his slightly bored but equally boring date as “ambushing.” No one else is on the street and Nicolas Cage is unable to avoid the man, who wants a picture with his “brand new Droid.” As the man, who actually seems to be vibrating and hovering in an almost hummingbird-like way, adjusts his stance for the third attempt at a picture his crotch lightly brushes Nicolas Cage’s upper thigh, causing his face to shift from “bemused resignation” to, strangely, “serene bliss,” for what will become the man’s inaugural Facebook profile picture.”

“i want to fall backwards into a pit of bioluminescent pokémon”

“For about four years, I’ve been telling people I hate sour cream. One time I sent back nachos because they had sour cream on them. I started saying this because a friend I admire hates sour cream. I told him I hated it too so we could have a funny thing in common.”

“If someone asks me where I bought something I’m wearing, I will usually say I don’t remember.”

“i could never be a sports writer, unless my assignment was to write 'sports sports sports sports sports' for three pages”