“Feel completely unable to do anything. Try to picture your life in five years. It really seems like you will be dead.”

“A 5’5”, 182-pound, 43-year-old man wearing khaki shorts and a UCLA sweatshirt runs to Nicolas Cage in a manner he will spend the rest of the night describing to his slightly bored but equally boring date as “ambushing.” No one else is on the street and Nicolas Cage is unable to avoid the man, who wants a picture with his “brand new Droid.” As the man, who actually seems to be vibrating and hovering in an almost hummingbird-like way, adjusts his stance for the third attempt at a picture his crotch lightly brushes Nicolas Cage’s upper thigh, causing his face to shift from “bemused resignation” to, strangely, “serene bliss,” for what will become the man’s inaugural Facebook profile picture.”

“argued for an hour on the telephone. now looking at pictures of carbs”

“Something was comforting about strangers—it seemed like they would exist forever as the same, unknowable mass.”

“being sick feels like you're wearing someone else's glasses”

“i wish cats could float around your head”

“people like to see will smith reacting to aliens”