“i wish i had 15-20 cats that would serve as a blanket, like if i moved they would adjust to my new position, that would be good”

“i wish cats could float around your head”

“Something was comforting about strangers—it seemed like they would exist forever as the same, unknowable mass.”

“For about four years, I’ve been telling people I hate sour cream. One time I sent back nachos because they had sour cream on them. I started saying this because a friend I admire hates sour cream. I told him I hated it too so we could have a funny thing in common.”

“i had a dream that there were these huge indoor swimming pools called 'lobbies' that poor people used to do mass amounts of laundry”

“A 5’5”, 182-pound, 43-year-old man wearing khaki shorts and a UCLA sweatshirt runs to Nicolas Cage in a manner he will spend the rest of the night describing to his slightly bored but equally boring date as “ambushing.” No one else is on the street and Nicolas Cage is unable to avoid the man, who wants a picture with his “brand new Droid.” As the man, who actually seems to be vibrating and hovering in an almost hummingbird-like way, adjusts his stance for the third attempt at a picture his crotch lightly brushes Nicolas Cage’s upper thigh, causing his face to shift from “bemused resignation” to, strangely, “serene bliss,” for what will become the man’s inaugural Facebook profile picture.”

“i could never be a sports writer, unless my assignment was to write 'sports sports sports sports sports' for three pages”