“If someone asks me where I bought something I’m wearing, I will usually say I don’t remember.”

“being sick feels like you're wearing someone else's glasses”

“For about four years, I’ve been telling people I hate sour cream. One time I sent back nachos because they had sour cream on them. I started saying this because a friend I admire hates sour cream. I told him I hated it too so we could have a funny thing in common.”

“tom clancy probably wears a baseball hat when he has sex”

“i wish i had 15-20 cats that would serve as a blanket, like if i moved they would adjust to my new position, that would be good”

“i want to fall backwards into a pit of bioluminescent pokémon”

“i wish cats could float around your head”