“shrimp and green peppers are shriveling in my refrigerator”

“i could never be a sports writer, unless my assignment was to write 'sports sports sports sports sports' for three pages”

“i want to pull very long, multi-colored strings out of my brain and place them next to a bowl of doritos at a party”

“i wish i had 15-20 cats that would serve as a blanket, like if i moved they would adjust to my new position, that would be good”

“argued for an hour on the telephone. now looking at pictures of carbs”

“i want to fall backwards into a pit of bioluminescent pokémon”

“For about four years, I’ve been telling people I hate sour cream. One time I sent back nachos because they had sour cream on them. I started saying this because a friend I admire hates sour cream. I told him I hated it too so we could have a funny thing in common.”