“Ever notice how people wait until they're not going to see you anymore to say something nice to you?”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be finished. No matter how much I write, there will always be something I should’ve said.”

“Don't talk to strangers. Don't do drugs. Don't smoke. Don't drink and drive. Don't have sex. Wear a condom. Wear sunblock. Wear a seat belt. Wear a helmet. If you see something, say something. Just say no. Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, look, and listen. Look both ways before you cross the street...Safety is an illusion. Bad things can happen to anyone at any time, whether you follow the rules or not. You can check left, check right, check left again before you step off the curb and into the crosswalk, but that won't stop an anonymous asshole in his shitty pickup from putting you in intensive care...”

“Most people talk when they have nothing to say. I’m not talking because I have too much to say. None of which I’d want you to hear.”

“I'VE LEARNED THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK ABOUT YOU.THE BEST YOU CAN DO IN LIFE IS NOT PISS YOURSELFOFF.”

“My mother, of course, had a different opinion. 'They're driving me crazy!' she said, swatting at them with her beige Coach handbag. 'How can you tell?' my dad asked. 'Between your menopause craziness and your turning fifty craziness and everything else?''Forty-eight!' my mom cried. Dad groaned. 'Have you forgotten who you're lying to?”

“Did you know that the average American spends six months of his or her life waiting for red lights to turn green? Six months wasted, waiting for permission to move on. Think of all the other stuff you could do with that time.”I was totally confused. “In the car?” “In your life,” he said.”