“Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.”

“We mock the things we are to be.”

“If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country. ”

“Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed.”

“The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.”

“Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy, colorful and lively.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”