“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.”

“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.”

“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.”

“Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

“Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall into an open manhole and die.”

“The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.”