“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.”

“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.”

“Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy, colorful and lively.”

“Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

“The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.”

“Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall into an open manhole and die.”