“My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

“Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall into an open manhole and die.”

“Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy, colorful and lively.”

“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.”

“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.”

“The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.”