“I'm so cool that the kids come to my bedroom and go, 'Mom! Turn the music down!”

“And then my mom called, "Have fun on your date, Hayden!"Another step down and I thought, Good.Mom is mistaken and has led Nick to believe I'm going on a date.One more step down and I thought,Oh no,Mom has led Nick believe I'm going on a date!"”

“I'm totally cool. I'm totally calm, and I'm totally cool. My calm is exceeded only by my cool. Which is total. Here we go.”

“When i was a kid, my mom said that everyone gets one miracle. She said the trick is recognizing yourmiraclefroma distance, so you're ready when it arrives. I'm watching. I'm waiting.I'm ready for my miracle”

“It comes with being sixteen," Mom said. "You teenagers, you go into a cocoon when you turn fifteen and don't come out for years." "So they become butterflies when they finally come out?" my little sister Christina asked. "No," Mom said. "They're still caterpillars, only now they're big fat caterpillars that smell.”

“I hope I'm never a mom. But if I am, I'll make damn sure my kids look up to me.”