“Come, my handsome vampire. I have a few things I must do to prepare you. Then I’ll put you somewhere safe to await your bride. Oh—I know!” She clapped excitedly. “You can stay inside my piggy bank! And I’ll create a drama-tastic jungle intro to your lady! How about Romancing the Stone meets Apocalypto?”

“My featherbed is deep and soft,and there I’ll lay you down,I’ll dress you all in yellow silkand on your head a crown.For you shall be my lady love,and I shall be your lord.I’ll always keep you warm and safe,and guard you with my sword.And how she smiled and how she laughed, the maiden of the tree.She spun away and said to him, no featherbed for me.I’ll wear a gown of golden leaves,and bind my hair with grass,But you can be my forest love,and me your forest lass.”

“If you want to stay, I can meet you after the scrimmage. You could come to my house or I could come to yours or we could meet at the library or a coffee shop or..."Stop talking, asshole."Or we could go somewhere with Wi-Fi or somewhere outside or..."Oh my God, I hate myself right now.”

“It’s going to be all right. You’re going to be all right. She’s going to leave. You don’t have to worry about her again. I won’t let any vampire hurt you. I can do this. I’ll stay big, and make sure no one hurts you again. It’ll be okay. I’ll make sure you’re safe.”

“I’ll give you my strength if I can have your remission.”

“I’ll try to be around and about. But if I’m not, then you know that I’m behind your eyelids, and I’ll meet you there”