“I suggest it’s time we head off to see the Wizard. The wonderful Wizard of Jesus We Are All So Fucked.”

“Yeah, um. I’m a wizard. I meddle. It’s what we do.”

“In a way, we are magicians. We are alchemists, sorcerers and wizards. We are a very strange bunch. But there is great fun in being a wizard.”

“I found a Cairn Terrier online. It’s perfect.”“A what?”“Pidge is from Kansas. It’s the same kind of dog Dorothy had in the Wizard of Oz.”Shepley’s face was blank. “The Wizard of Oz.”“What? I liked the scarecrow when I was a little kid, shut the fuck up.”“It’s going to crap every where, Travis. It’ll bark and whine and … I don’t know.”“So does America … minus the crapping.”

“I think that all women are witches, in the sense that a witch is a magical being. And a wizard, which is a male version of a witch, is kind of revered, and people respect wizards. But a witch, my god, we have to burn them. It’s the male chauvinistic society that we’re living in for the longest time, 3,000 years or whatever. And so I just wanted to point out the fact that men and women are magical beings. We are very blessed that way, so I’m just bringing that out. Don’t be scared of witches, because we are good witches, and you should appreciate our magical power.”

“Any true wizard, faced with a sign like 'Do not open this door. Really. We mean it. We're not kidding. Opening this door will mean the end of the universe,' would automatically open the door in order to see what all the fuss is about. This made signs rather a waste of time, but at least it meant that when you handed what was left of the wizard to his grieving relatives you could say, as they grasped the jar, 'We told him not to.”