“Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.”

“I wouldn't write a book to tell you that a vampire was happy.”

“Who wouldn't want to see some owl eggs?"I said, "Come on then, they are down here."He said, "Tallulah, the answer to who wouldn't want to see some owl eggs is... me!!!!”

“I wouldn't change it," Simon said. "I wouldn't give up loving you. Not for anything. You know what Raphael told me? That I didn't know how to be a good vampire, that vampires accept that they're dead. But as long as I remember what it was like to love you, I'll always feel like I'm alive.”

“And if I wanted to kill myself, I wouldn't throw myself off a roof. And if I was going to throw myself off a roof, I would put on some pants before I did it.”

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”