“The two of them shared a look over my head. Gabriel made several threatening faces. Dick responded with rude gestures. Eventually, they looked like two inebriated mimes having a dance off.”

“There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?”

“She said, "Look down at your chest." I held the cell phone to my ear as I bend my head. Two red dots, quivering slightly, danced right over my heart. "You are one second away from death," said the caller.”

“He had a matching bandage on his head. We looked like two idiots who’d decided to have a head-butting competition”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.”

“The two men eyed each other. Assessing strengths. Looking for weaknesses. Measuring dicks once again”